Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Query - Take Two

Here is a newer take on the query letter that I posted last time.


As kids, Terri and her sister were just alike: wild women with Hollywood dreams. Now in her early thirties, Terri has become a housewife and a mommy, and baking bread for extra cash has given her a doughy ring around the middle. Her sister's been murdered.

Now Terri's pulling late night heists in an attempt to relive crazy youth she and her sister had shared. After completing a particularly satisfying break-in, she meets a dangerous, seductive man named Chris; a man who had once been her sister's lover. He's almost irresistible, but Terri manages--if only just. Problem is, Chris won't take no for an answer.

He tries to trap her, first by wining and dining her, and then by threatening to lie to her husband about the depth of their involvement. She tries to make herself not worth his time, starting with threatening his reputation, then by threatening his car. The games have begun. But there's more at stake than Terri's marriage or Chris's convertible, because, unbeknownst to her, he was more than her sister's lover: he was her killer. And now he wants the one woman in the world that he believes can fill the void in his twisted heart…


The ending is much stronger, and this one actually describes the book more accurately. In the first version, meeting Chris and finding out that he's the killer happen practically at the same time. In this one, we see that she actually meets Chris early on, has this back-and-forth with him, and then discovers the truth.

But it's not finished yet. The first paragraph is still slow--too much background, not enough action. It's neither as clear nor as engaging as it should be. And the first paragraph is vitally important: it's what's supposed to "hook" the agent. On top of that, I'm not sure that the opening of the third paragraph is quite where it needs to be just yet.

So it's back to the drawing board, another revolution of the Query-go-Round.

I'll see ya next time. :)

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